Fatherly Advice

August 22nd, 2013 by Broadband


St Broadband’s Day

March 17th, 2013 by Broadband

They say Christmas only comes once a year… I guess someone forgot to tell St. Patrick. You see, next to Halloween, Mardi Gras, and that depressing two week window in late December when everyone feels lonely and desperate, there is no better time for a gentleman to go out carousing than St. Patty’s Day. The alcohol flows like the swiftest Irish spring, chicks wear skimpy green outfits to commemorate the destitute émigrés of the Potato Famine, and even amateur pick-up lines like “Kiss me I’m Irish,” “I wanna shamrock your body,” and “Baby, you can banish my snakes” are surprisingly effective.

But beyond the joy of sharing several, rabid moments with complete strangers you’ll never see again, St. Patty’s Day is also a celebration of the many Irish innovations we enjoy the world over, such as redheads, violence, and of course, the limerick. Here are some limericks I’ve been crafting over the course of the last few minutes. Look for them in my forthcoming anthology of poems, “A Man For A Dream.”

There once was a well-dressed man,
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.

All the fair lasses kept starin’,
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he’s wearin’.

There was a young lass from Killarney,
Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
‘Cause last night she was screaming O’Barney.

A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.

I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram.

Not A Father’s Day

June 17th, 2012 by Broadband

Everyone’s talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father’s Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.

But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.

Not A Father – FAQs

1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.

2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?

Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.

3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?

Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:

–“the penis poncho” (condom)

–“sex mints” (birth control pills)

–“outercourse” (dry-humpin’)

–“the WMD’s of sperm” (IUD’s)

–“the circle of bachelorhood” (The Ring)

A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here:

Cougar Alert: Pearl District

June 13th, 2012 by Broadband

Came across this friendly warning downtown Portland this past weekend and thought I’d share the laugh with the rest of you. For those of you not in the know, it is referring to a type of woman and not a large feline.

cou·gar noun: An attractive woman in her 30′s or 40′s who is on the hunt once again at her usual hunting grounds of nightclubs, hotel lounges, and other friendly locations with young boy meat.

A More Complete Definition: A cougar is a common term used to describe single, older women who are on prowl. Cougars are usually easier to game than younger women, because they have been around the block a few times, and understand how the game is played, and also realize their declining market value on the sexual market place.

Cougars usually will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in, because they know what they want. Cougars typically have a lot fewer issues with sex than younger women, and are a lot more open and aggressive about their sexuality.

There are different types of cougars within the cougar species genealogy. GQ has dedicated an article specifically for this archetype.

Read the rest of this entry »

The HOT / CRAZY Scale

June 11th, 2012 by Broadband

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where I come to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale

1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen. Read the rest of this entry »